• PATRONS: Did you know we've a chat function for you now? Look to the bottom of the screen, you can chat, set up rooms, talk to each other individually or in groups! Click 'Chat' at the right side of the chat window to open the chat up.
  • Love Gotmead and want to see it grow? Then consider supporting the site and becoming a Patron! If you're logged in, click on your username to the right of the menu to see how as little as $30/year can get you access to the patron areas and the patron Facebook group and to support Gotmead!
  • We now have a Patron-exclusive Facebook group! Patrons my join at The Gotmead Patron Group. You MUST answer the questions, providing your Patron membership, when you request to join so I can verify your Patron membership. If the questions aren't answered, the request will be turned down.

Telemarketer Torture

African Bronze Honey - 50% off for GotMead members
Etowah Meadery - Drink Unique

Oskaar

Got Mead Partner
Administrator
Dec 26, 2004
7,874
4
0
31
The OC
OK folks,

For those of you who have been harassed, harangued, bedeviled, and otherwise bugged out of your mind by the constant barrage of telemarketers I offer the following countermeasures when you get a pigeon on the other end of the line. Fight back and take no prisoners.

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out how she could know you.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? Can you get out human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God! No... NO NOOOO" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinnertime, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speakerphone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

This is what I end up doing all night when I have insomnia.

Cheers,

Oskaar
 

Dan McFeeley

Lifetime Patron
Lifetime GotMead Patron
Oct 10, 2003
1,897
5
38
64
Illinois
I used to keep a message on our answering machine that gave you menu options -- "If you are a telemarketer soliciting items we *don't* want, press 4."

Amazing how many of them actually did it, then got frustrated muttering "Why isn't this working?" ;D
 

jaysbrew

NewBee
Registered Member
Jan 20, 2004
120
0
0
www.jaysbrewing.com
Sometimes when I get a telemarketer I tell them to hold on a minute. I put the phone down and leave it. Very simple way to waste lots of their time and none of mine.

Some of Oskaar's sound like fun, though - I'm going to do some....

#12 is from Sienfeld, by the way.


Cheers,
Jay
 

Marion

NewBee
Registered Member
Jun 1, 2004
115
0
0
60
Love it! And will incorparate some of the suggestions in my existing tactics..... ;D
 

David Baldwin

NewBee
Registered Member
Jun 29, 2004
860
1
0
Grand Rapids, MI
My wife recently gave a telemarketer an object lesson in why she wasn't interested in talking to them right then. She laid the phone down on the night stand beside a crib with a loudly squalling baby.
 

lostnbronx

Senior Member
Lifetime GotMead Patron
Dec 8, 2004
1,020
1
0
Here's one: interrupt them right at the beginning and ask if it will bother them if you talk while using the toilet. If they want to ring off so you can do your "business", insist that it's no big deal, it's not going to bother you to just listen, etc. Then grunt quietly every now and then as they try to go through their spiel. I swear they'll look for a new job the very next day! :D

-David
 

WRATHWILDE

Lifetime Patron
Lifetime GotMead Patron
Mar 19, 2005
1,970
2
0
50
Dubuque, Iowa
www.zazzle.com
Aren't you people on the no call lists? I never get unsolicited calls. Just the occasional call looking for the person who had this # before me.
Guess I'm just lucky.
Wrathwilde
 

Oskaar

Got Mead Partner
Administrator
Dec 26, 2004
7,874
4
0
31
The OC
That no call list, at least in California only seems to apply to a company for a one year period. It also seems to not apply to different divisions within said company. Newspapers, real estate offices, banks, telecom carriers, etc are all over us out here it seems like every night. I finally added a privacy manager service on my line here at home which screens calls that block their number. I now get only the calls I want, and on the rare occaison that I do get a telemarketer I regard it as time to entertain myself.

I have a bunch of wave files that I like to play into the phone now. It's funny to see how long it takes people to hang up.

Cheers,

Oskaar
 

Brewbear

NewBee
Registered Member
May 10, 2005
959
0
0
I'll drink to that! What a bummer, I'm on the no call list.....I enjoy wrong numbers late at night though, I had a "dirty call" form some girls that must have been bored, after they hung up, I *69 them. Their reactin was priceless
BTW, my almost week old Ancient Orange is bubbling at about 1 bubble every 6 - 7 sec. is that OK?
 
African Bronze Honey - 50% off for GotMead members
Etowah Meadery - Drink Unique